And now, from the Hollywood Palace, here is your host, one of the all-time great names in entertainment, Raucho Marx!
Good evening and welcome to Medicare.
Not me, you!
It was just a year ago that I was your host in the Hollywood Palace.
What are you doing here? Oh, you're in the show, huh?
And now I'm back, which proves that around income tax time, there's nothing I wouldn't do for money.
Well, hardly anything.
This is a sort of a bon voyage appearance for me right after the show I'm leaving for Europe.
Or perhaps during the show.
Look, if I'm boring you, I can leave now.
And if you're willing to pay my fare, I'll take you with me.
At any rate, I'm spending a week with General De Gaulle and I'm having lunch with Brigitte Bardot.
I wish it was the other way around.
I don't know why.
Would you mind going on with this? Actually...
This guy gives me cards and spades all the time.
Actually, I'm going to do a television show in London for four months.
Four months in London.
That's a Chinese expression for one long fog.
That's why all those boys in England have long hair.
So foggy, they can't find the beauty parlor.
I remember when they used to go to a barber shop.
Thank you.
I'm so grateful I'll thank anything for this.
A couple of weeks ago, this is the same audience we had at 5 o'clock.
Except three of the people now are Snow White. There's one of them.
And the seven dwarfs.
A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine flew over to London.
He didn't like the picture they were showing on the plane, so he left in the middle.
He's now known as the first airplane dropout.
You can see him now anytime on television.
He's called Flipper.
Could have left that out.
We have a real international show for you tonight.
We have all kinds of people from all over the world.
And we have a show for you tonight.
A comedian from Scotland, a singer from South Africa, dancers from Spain,
and right now, a bicycle from Denmark.
With four people on it. It's quite a trick.
Here they are, the Four Kents.
Four Kents.
Four Kents.
Four Kents.
Four Kents.
Four Kents.
Four Kents.
Four Kents.
Four Kents.
This is a balance wheel.
You'll find one in every watch in the world.
Every watch.
Wind, self-wind, and electric.
For the past 300 years, the balance wheel has made every watch in the world either too fast or too slow.
This is a tuning fork.
It runs on an electronic circuit and keeps time by vibrations.
It divides every second into 360 equal parts.
The Accutron timepiece uses this tuning fork instead of the balance wheel that a watch uses.
And its time is so precise, we guarantee monthly accuracy within 60 seconds.
Two seconds a day.
And your jeweler will regulate this accuracy free.
Accutron, issued to X-15 pilots by the United States government.
You know, I have an 18-year-old daughter named Melinda.
And just like any average teenage American girl, she made a rock and roll record.
Moved out of the house and got her own apartment.
Tonight she's going to sing the song that's paying the rent for this apartment.
You give her a big reception, and I'll give her a very small wedding.
My daughter, the singer Melinda Monks.
If you are lonely, I know a place.
A place where troubles can be erased.
So come along down to the East Side of town.
Come along down to the East Side of town.
That's where the people are always gay.
And laughter brings to the break of day.
So get yourself down to the East Side of town.
On the West Side of town, there's always trouble there.
People beg, but you're done almost anywhere.
So come along with me. Oh, how happy we will be.
You can be free to be free.
Maybe we can lose our troubles there.
And find true love and come to share.
So follow me down to the East Side of town.
East Side of town.
Melinda, that was wonderful. What was the name of the dance you were doing?
Oh, we were doing a lot of different steps. We were doing the monkey and the swim, the fruit, the jerk and the slop.
Is there anything personal in that?
And they say parents don't communicate with children.
Tell you what, Melinda, let's sing one of the songs we used to do together.
When you were a little girl and I was the king of Babylon.
Daddy, I don't understand that.
I don't understand it either, but it sounds so literate.
How about the good ship lollipop?
Oh, the good ship lollipop.
I don't sing those lollipop songs anymore.
I see. You don't want to make a sucker out of your father, or a sinker.
Daddy, I'm a teenager now.
You know, the thing to do with this audience is say everything wrong.
You're a what, did you say?
I'm a teenager now.
Oh, so what? I'm a stone-ager.
I'll tell you what, you sing your kind of song and I'll sing my kind of song.
And may the best man win.
Okay, old king of Babylon.
Oh, wise guy.
♪
Musical demon, set your heart on a dream and won't you play me some rag.
Just change that classical nag.
If you will play from a copy of a tune that was choppy, you'll get all my applause.
And that is simply because I want to listen to rag.
Musical demon, set your heart on a dream and won't you play me some rag.
Just change that classical nag.
Just play me some sweet beautiful drag.
If you will play from a copy of a tune that was choppy, you'll get all my applause.
And that is simply because I want to listen to, I want to listen to, I want to listen to rag.
Rag.
Rag.
You know what flamenco dancing is?
It's a military dance where you stand at attention and you bring up the rear.
And it's, it's hardly worth it.
One of its, one of its loveliest and foremost exponents is with us tonight.
She used to be Joseph Greco's dancing partner, but now she has her own ballet company.
And here she is, Lydia Toria and her fiery Spanish ballet.
Applause.
Music.
Music.
Music.
Music.
Music.
For the next few moments we'll have the privilege of hearing a fine and authentic artist.
Not long ago this young singer was a tribeswoman in South Africa.
And now she brings the exotic music of her people to the whole world.
Now this is really true.
Picture a little native girl as she sings about a pretty red dress that her father bought for her.
As we hear an African game song by Myron Cone, no, no, by Miss Miriam Makaiba.
Applause.
Music.
Music.
Music.
Music.
Music.
Music.
Music.
Music.
Music.
Music.
Applause.
Now we have a funny lad from Scotland.
I think we can all use a little scotch right now.
Laughter.
Particularly the producer of the show.
Now you take the high road and I'll take the low road and lets me dunes and shall we.
laugh trained
the
up
inspired
the
laughter
We'll be back in a moment with a number called Captain Spalding, which Melinda will tell
you all about.
And Gordon and Sheila McCray and lots more show in the Hollywood Palace.
Ready for a break?
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There's a couple on the show tonight that I feel very sentimental about.
Gordon and Sheila McCray.
Years ago I went out with Gordon's mother.
That time she was known as Mother McCray.
Oh, I feel for you, and here they are.
More than the greatest love the world has known, this is the love I give to you alone.
More than the simple words I try to say, I only live to love you more each day.
More than you'll ever know, my arms long to hold you, so my life will be in your keeping.
Waking, sleeping, laughing, weeping.
Longer than always is a long, long time.
Yet far beyond forever, you'll be mine.
I know I never lived before, and my heart is very sure.
No one else could love you more.
More, more, the girl I love you more.
Thank you.
Well, you know, I've been married for years.
And I'll tell you one thing, my married life is never dull or boring.
You know, it's constantly exciting because, well, Sheila is so many different people.
And when I come home, I never know what glamour girl is going to meet me at the door.
One night I walked in, there was Brigitte Bardot wearing a towel.
I didn't leave because it had my initials on it.
But last night I got the biggest surprise of all.
Who was standing there with the wildest blonde you ever saw?
The star of Hello, Darling, the one, the only, Carol Channing.
Yes, well, hello, Harry.
And hello there, Louis.
Gee, it's nice to be back here where I belong.
And as you all know now, I'm in a great big hit show now.
Thanks to Louis Armstrong's record of this grand old song.
So wow, wow, wow, fellas.
Look at old Dolly now, fellas.
Dolly will never go away again.
Well, another time I came home and found a very unusual girl.
She's funny, she sings great, and her name is Barbara Streisand.
She's a big star on Broadway, and in case you haven't seen her, let me tell you about her.
Well, she's, uh, she's, uh, well, better still, you've got to see her.
Hi, um, my name is, uh, Barbara Streisand, and, uh, I'm a star.
Oh, I haven't been a star for too long, and I kind of get nervous.
Um, is this dress okay?
Oh, I think you're a marvelous audience, and if you're real nice, I'll let you see the rest of my face.
Oh, I was terribly excited because before I came on, they told me I was voted the best dressed woman of the year by the editor of Popular Mechanics.
Oh, could I have a chord, please?
Oh, that's very classy.
Happy days are here, my friends, in this funny girl who sets the trend.
So I've got a nose with a case of the bend, but happy days are here, my friends.
It was really worth the toil, would you believe the giant from Brooklyn soil?
I'm a high-class, first-rate glamour girl.
Happy days are here again!
Well, there are times when Sheila's just herself.
The girl that I married the other half of my joint income tax return.
The one I promised to love, honour, and sing duets with, Sheila McRae.
I want to be with you.
I want to be with you.
I want to be with you.
I want to be with you.
Stay with you, with you every day.
With you I'm wrong, with you I will stay.
With you I am strong.
That's how it's got to be.
That's how it's got to be.
My loving man and me.
My loving gal and me.
So we'll tell the world.
Make way for us.
It's a sweet and golden day for us.
Now the music starts to play for us.
I want to be with you.
I want to be with you.
I want to be with you.
We want to be with you.
We want to be with you.
Like true stories with a happy ending?
Watch this.
Not long ago, Geraldine Mason had trouble hearing her college professors.
Mrs. Dorothy Harris, an office worker, was making so many mistakes she was afraid she'd lose her job.
Elliot Johnson, a sales executive, was losing customers and losing confidence in himself.
Today, Geraldine Mason has a bell-tone hearing aid and a B average.
Mrs. Harris has received two salary raises because she's so dependable, thanks to her bell-tone hearing glasses.
Elliot Johnson is really in touch with his customers again with the help of his bell-tone hearing aid.
Can bell-tone help you?
Probably, even if you think a hearing aid won't help.
See your authorized bell-tone hearing aid specialist soon for a free hearing test.
He's in your phone book.
Bell-tone may bring a happy ending to your hearing problem.
Many years ago, in fact, long before I was born, my father did a musical number in a Broadway show called Animal Crackers.
It became very famous, and tonight, for the first time on TV, he's going to do it in the Hollywood Palace.
Margaret Dumont, who was in the original cast, is here tonight, too.
And here they are, Rachel Marx and Margaret Dumont, in Hooray for Captain Spaulding.
I've an announcement to make. Captain Spaulding, the celebrated African explorer, is coming to town for a lecture.
And he's spending the weekend as my house guest. That's a very great honor.
There's Captain Spaulding now.
What do I owe you?
What, from Africa to here, $1.35?
Let me see your driving license.
I told you not to go through Peyton Place.
Here you are. You can keep the change.
That's a dollar bill. And have your shoes re-sewed, will you? Your brakes were slipping.
It's all my pants, I think.
Captain Spaulding!
There we are.
Captain Spaulding.
How do you do?
I'm highly honored.
Really? For a moment, I thought you were a highly salassy.
That's the kind of African jokes we have.
Well, a written house manner. Is that your disposal?
Well, I hope your disposal is working.
Because I brought a lot of garbage with me from Africa.
And I've been saying it all evening out here.
I may have to do this over again in a minute.
Meanwhile, I'd like to say a few words.
Hello, I must be going.
I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going.
I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.
Thank you, Mr. A, if you should go away.
Your closet party, she is throwing.
I'll stay a week or two.
In fact, I say the summer through.
But I am telling you, I must be going.
I'll stay a week or two.
I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.
Thank you, Mr. A, if you should go away.
I'll do anything you say.
In fact, I'll even stay.
Good.
But I must be going.
Captain, Captain, Captain.
You must tell us about the African wildlife.
Oh, yes, yes.
Well, yes, the first morning we were up at six.
We had a good breakfast and we're back in bed at seven o'clock.
The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elks, and night's epiphytes.
Of course, you all know what a moose is.
That's a big game.
First day I shot two bucks.
That was the biggest game we had.
Don't step on those few lamps I have.
Captain, tell me.
What, what I owe you.
Did you meet any wild boar?
Not until I saw you, ma'am.
Tell me this.
Do you hunt bear?
Are you kidding?
I always wear a bikini.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
Now he got in my pajamas, I'll never know.
Then we tried to remove the tusks.
I'm trying to say that, tusks.
It's not easy with poor teeth.
We tried to remove the tusks, but they were embedded so finely we couldn't budge them.
Of course, in Alabama, the tusks are loose.
No groaning, please.
However, that's entirely irrelevant to what I was talking about.
I took some pictures of the native girls while I was there, but they weren't developed.
I'd be delighted to.
I am a very moral man.
Sometimes I find it trying.
This fact I'll emphasize with stress.
I never take a drink unless somebody's buying.
Captain is a very moral man.
That's more interesting than what I was doing out here.
If I hear anything obscene, I'll naturally repel it.
I hate a dirty joke I do.
Unless it's told by someone who knows how to tell it.
Captain is a very moral man.
Hooray for Captain Pauling, the African explorer.
Someone call me Chara.
Hooray, hooray, hooray.
He went into the jungle where all the monkeys throw nuts.
If I say here, I'll go nuts.
Hooray, hooray, hooray.
National Biscuit Company.
He put all his life in courage and defiance.
He's a life of science.
Hey, hey!
He is the only hunter who ever shot a rhino.
I think this dame's a wino.
Hooray, hooray, hooray.
He cried his name, I died, he fainted, died in fire.
We said, hooray, hooray, hooray.
My friends, my friends, please, please.
Hooray for Captain Pauling, the African explorer.
He cried his name, I died, he fainted, died in fire.
We said, hooray, hooray, hooray.
My friends, in my many years.
Hooray for Captain Pauling, the African explorer.
He cried his name, I died, he fainted, died in fire.
We said, hooray, hooray, hooray.
Thank you.
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I want to say that Hertz didn't put me in the driver's seat.
I did it all by myself, mother.
Let's all go to Vegas.
You've been a wonderful audience tonight, and why don't you come along with me?
We've got a double room, and well, good night.
This portion of the Hollywood Palace has been brought to you by Consolidated Cigar Corporation,
makers of Muriel, the light cigar in six shapes for thoughtful modern smokers,
and by the makers of Beltone Hearing Aid.
If hearing is your problem, Beltone is your answer.
This is Dick Dufel speaking.
Don't forget, next week at the Hollywood Palace, Ben Bloom, the Cherokees, Dorothy Collins, Lola Dobrik, Frank Gorshin,
Jesse Leonard, Lillian Monteverdi, and your host, Pat Boone.